I haven’t been with WoW for long, and as
writing is a recently revisited challenge for me, I don’t have much work to
analyse, nor time to do it this week – so here’s a quick rewrite.
I have gone with the “in my neighbourhood”
piece, the first one I did as your helpful comments made me realise I had
confused some of you. Being too close to the story can be blinding, can’t it? I
don’t want to change the style as I like the way the writing reflects his brisk
anxiety. So my aim is to make the story clearer.
Here goes…
Original
His eyes snap open. The hydraulic hum, the
distant smash of glass a far away call to duty. Feet to floor, he dresses
quickly, buttons one two three four five, a compulsory sixth tightens his neck.
High waisted jeans, longitudinal creases precisely pressed. Hair parted and
combed slickly.
His pulse quickens as the noises come
closer, anxiety presses in as he anticipates the disruption ahead. Socks, then
shoes, laces left over right, under, looped then tightly snapped. Sugared tea
stirred, exactly thrice.
He stands outside tense and waiting. His block runs from Shipley St to Windy
Parade and he must keep it right.
‘G’day, mate!!” shouts the garbo over the
cacophony of rubbish and recycling. An annoyed dismissal – how dare this
troublesome invader expect response?
Machines lift and lower, coloured-lidded
bins crash landing spreadeagled in gutters and grass. As the truck moves off,
he scuttles into action, dragging them back into place, perfectly lined.
Down the street, house after house, (the
units are the biggest anxiety), order is regained. Sweaty palms pocketed, his
breathing slows as he surveys his morning’s work.
Another Tuesday morning.
Rewrite
His eyes snap open. The hydraulic hum of
the truck, the distant smash of glass a far away call to duty. Garbage day has
always unsettled him. Feet to floor, he dresses quickly, buttons one two three
four five, a compulsory sixth tightens his neck. High waisted jeans,
longitudinal creases precisely pressed. Hair parted and combed slickly.
His pulse quickens as the noises come
closer, anxiety presses in as he anticipates the disruption ahead. Socks, then
shoes, laces left over right, under, looped then tightly snapped. Sugared tea
stirred, exactly thrice.
He stands outside tense and waiting. 200 metres of street is his
self-enforced job to protect.
‘G’day, mate!!” shouts the approaching
careless garbo over the cacophony of rubbish and recycling. An annoyed
dismissal – how dare this troublesome invader expect response?
Machines lift and lower, coloured-lidded
bins crash landing in gutters and on grass. As the truck moves off, he scuttles
into action, dragging them back into place, perfectly lined, as they should be.
Down the street, house after house, (the
units are the biggest anxiety), order is regained. Sweaty palms pocketed, his
breathing slows as he surveys his morning’s work.
Another Tuesday morning.
Yes, that was better.
ReplyDeleteDidn't need to change much at all!
I would liked the street names in though - more personal- but still use your 200m bit as well for a mental measure.
To build on it - I would like to know...
How about how he feels as the bins go back in line - does he puff, does his heart race, does he care if anyone is watching, what happens if he get's garbage juice on his pants?
Love this character OCD and all!
thankyou, good ideas, gives me more to play with. Maybe I could take him somewhere else in another piece?
ReplyDeleteI love the descriptors. I too would enjoy knowing how he handles disruptions to his routine.
ReplyDeleteI love this character! And, I can actually relate to him needing things just so. Great job!!!
ReplyDeleteLove the rewrite. It was much clearer on what was going on. You described an obsessive personality perfectly. Great writing on this. Really good.
ReplyDeleteThe rewrite gave me a far clearer understanding of what was going on - the self-imposed responsibility of lining all the bins back up along his street. When reading the first one (for the first time - I missed it when it was originally written) I thought this was some new world. So much clearer on the rewrite!
ReplyDeleteI loved the original piece but think that you set out what you wanted to do with the rewrite, you have made it clearer but without losing the strength of the original characterisation. I think you have a character worth continuing with. I sense a sad story from him but perhaps he will surprise us?! Great stuff
ReplyDeleteI loved this piece, the "people in your neighbourhood" week of WoW was such a good one!
ReplyDeleteOnly subtle changes, but it worked wonders. The scene was set, the order of events and the way this character fits in were all made clearer through those slight adjustments.
I'm not sure about the "sugared tea stirred, exactly thrice" line. It doesn't seem to fit for me, he's in such a rush to get outside before the truck comes down the street, he has to get dressed (and in his particular way too), would he really have time to make tea?
Hmm, yes, good point ...maybe his tea will be in the next installment!
ReplyDelete